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Sometimes when I'm feeling rubbish

I remind myself that so far this year: 
The romantic relationship I have been most of my adult life has ended. Yes it's been replaced with the most awesome friend ever (kind of), but my relationship has ended and I don't feel that has been really been acknowledged enough. The only reason we never did get married is because I could not imagine myself a bride. I know now that it was because of my gender and not because of the relationship. 

I've dashed across the country to try and be supportive for my girlfriend when her family started to fall apart (to put it mildly). After hearing the hurt from a reduction in her already poor health. 

In april I was told that I by July I could expect to have had, or at least have a date, for my chest surgery. Now in september I not only have yet still to have even a date for chest surgery but I don't think I'll have a date until next year. And possibly won't get a date until after april. I don't have funding. I don't have funding on a made up technicality and a lie. Not only is this horrible enough but the longer I go without chest surgery the worse my dysphoria gets, causing depression. I have been having nightmares about being forced to detransition.

And to top everything off the resultant depression has had an affect on my work. And with a new version of email my work email inbox has my old name. I was having panic attacks yesterday as it seemed my nightmares were coming true. 

And yesterday my ex, my best friend, my housemate (one person) who is a self-employed craftsman has managed to cut his hand and severe a nerve. 

It's no small wonder that I feel emotionally and physically exhausted and that I'm suffering from horrible depression again. I'm going to the GP friday to get back onto anti-depressants. Otherwise I am just going to try and get on with stuff. 
I am still yet to hear any progress in getting my funding for surgery. This was driven home when I saw the consultant last month and he said that they would have to include my case amongst others that they were taking higher, because we should not be getting refused. He did talk about ultimately legal action if they couldn't get any progress for me. That scared me. It scared me when I was already depressed and anxious. 

I fear this might get long . . .Collapse )

5 months on T

Voice has broken. 
Getting dark hairs on the sides of my cheeks and under my chin.
Plenty of growth down there. 
Hair. Lots of hair. Creeping further round my wrists, up my hands, up my belly, across my legs. 
Lots of spots. 
Sweat more. 

And OMFG I am so flipping ready for chest surgery. 
For those of you who don't know here's the short version:
Consultant told me "oh the fundign rules have changed I can just refer you to a surgeon". 6 weeks later I heard nothing. A friend had been told similar and then learnt that no, the PCT would need to decide on funding. Then I got a letter. A CC of the letter for application for funding. And then long story short a couple of weeks later I heard that they had rejected my application. They said that there was no evidence that I had started T, despite the application saying that I was doing well on T. They also declared that I hadn't done two years RLE.

Frankly, both reasons are bullshit. According to the standards of care they're using (I did a FOI request to check) there is no requirement for HRT prior to surgery (and their argument about T causing shrinkage is bull, because it's never going to render surgery unnecessary to someone with a chest like mine) and there is no RLE experience requirement. The clinic have promised me that they will keep applying until they secure my funding, but it means I have no idea when I can expect surgery. 

My mental health, after doing so well, has rather nose-dived. I was close to needing to go back onto anti-depressants, but I think I've turned a corner there. Now I mostly just feel rather overwhelmed and anxious. 

It's been a shit week for other reasons but it meant I managed maybe 24hrs without fretting about my chest. But I'm still looking forward to waking up after surgery, knowing that they're gone. 

more changes

One less welcome, and one so-so. 

1) I has spots. Not many and not big. But spots. 

2) darker hairs on my upper lip. Which is kind of making the maleness thing more real than ever. There's not many, and only I could possible even notice, but I don't care about everyone else. 

Generally still chipper. Knackered. But chipper. 

I wish you could have heard me earlier

Seriously, I would hope that you'd join me in laughing at my own voice. 

We last friday it actually dropped for the first time. It was actually fairly stable. Now it's started to sometimes wobble and sometimes squeak. It's brilliantly entertaining. 

I'm looking forward to tomorrow at work. It's the day I'm most likely to have to speak to customers whilst covering as a team leader. And I want the entertainment. 

Changes at 3 weeks and 3 days.

  • Voice change started within 24 hours. First of all I mainly lost the top notes and went fairly monotonous (sp?) for a couple of weeks. Customers on my phone were gendering me correctly pretty quickly but in person I was getting a real mixed bag of pronouns. I also had a friend's mum say that she kept getting my pronouns wrong because my voice was still so high. At the three week mark I've had a drop and people have started to comment that my voice is changing. 
  • Along with voice I have had a weird feeling in the back of my throat. Kind of like it's opening up. Physically seems like there's a lump dropping in my throat. 
  • Appetite. I have days where it's double what it was and I'm eating bigger portions than before. However, I am eating high protein, modern fat, low carb most of the time and so far I have continued to slowly lose fat and as far as I can tell - build muscle. I haven't been working out, but pinch testing suggests that muscle is building. 
  • Genitals. Umm, yes. it's grown. Longer, thicker stem, and stuff. Let's just leave things there.
  • Sex drive. So a few days after my first shot I was suddenly "oh lookie, I has a sex drive, not had one of those in a while". It then waned and has since come back. 
  • Period. I had a normal period and then it stopped, and then it kind of very weakly carried on. Still going more than a week on (normally I'm about 5-6 days). I figure that it's just figuring things out and getting there. I'm hoping that this is the last shedding I will have. At the start of my period my cramps were less than normally but still definitely there. I've had odd pains on and off around the point of my ovaries, but when they happen I just feel sorry for my ovaries because I know they're getting a kicking from the T. The only other point here is that I had been experiencing some night time hot flushes. I have been presuming that they're related to my ovaries shutting down. 
So that's the changes so far. 

My first shot

After a bit of stalling, I had my first shot of Nebido. I feel giddly happy, tired, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and like I can finally rest.

I got partner/ex/housemate (all one person, relationship is complex) to take some photos for me at the weekend and we're going to take more each week to try and spot changes. Each week was his idea because I figure it'll take time for changes.

Anyway, just marking that down for the record.


Saw the consultant at the clinic today.

1) He will write to my GP and recommend that I start nebido. So now I'm waiting for the letter to make the appointment.

2) Changes to funding mean that chest surgery will no longer require a second opinion come april, and that we won't have to get the say so from the PCT before we organise it. I don't know how long it normally takes to organise chest surgery but it sounds like it should speed things up from the previous timeframe (which involved going for second opinion in june/july).

I am crazy over the moon about this. I can't wait. But have to focus on completing an application for a major promotion.

Another year over

Well a year ago I was living as a woman, was heading downhill mentally and emotionally, and was still waiting for my funding to be approved.

Now I am living as the right gender, my mental health is better but still a struggle, I've been seeing the clinic for more than 6 months and I'm hopeful of starting hormones in the next couple of months.

I have a social life too, more than I did a year ago. I'm a bit happier with my body now I've lost weight although I'm frustrated when I read tweets about how such and such causes depression or can cure depression etc because I know mine isn't like that.

This time next year I hope to be on hormones and have a date for chest surgery, if not have had it by now. I hope to be even more settled into my new role and to have found a way to deal a little bit better with the bad days. I'm hoping that the paleo challenges I'm going to set myself will help with that since they'll be centred around helping mental health.

My mum bought me some shaving stuff for christmas. Along with some bio-oil for post surgery. And my sister gave me a framed picture of me with my niece with the word "uncle" at the top.

I'm looking forward to being post top surgery. I look forward to walking round topless.

Happy New Year everyone!
I changed my diet, cutting back on sugar, and that's helped me feel more positive. As has changing teams at work and being surrounded by people who don't hesitate before they say my name/get pronouns right for me. That's the background, the result is that I took the decision to lower my dose of anti-depressant.

I realised that this wasn't going to be easy. But I felt I had to try. I was beginning to feel that it was always going to be too big a step, so I was glad that the diet changes helped me somewhat. If you're interested in the diet change and haven't read what I've already posted on FB/twitter then please comment. I saw my therapist recently and talked about needing to find way to deal with the bad days now that the bar has been raised about good/bad days.

I'm still struggling/trying to figure out constructive ways to deal with the bad days. I've only had one bad day since I dropped my dose, and that was before it was officially dropped and before I saw my therapist and had a chance to realise that I needed new strategies for coping with life. However, today I had a second bad day. It's ok, it's only the second in three weeks. But it's got me thinking about my triggers and coping methods again.

My trigger today was one call. For some reason (the customer says they didn't put me on speakerphone) my voice got echoed back at me. And it was horrible to hear. My voice is such a disappointment. I can't force my voice lower for the sheer amount of time that I talk every day. It's the biggest reason that I don't pass more than I do. And it will change soon enough once I start hormones. It's a painful wait.

My driving licence has been changed. It now feels like I can really feel the clock ticking towards GRC. And that's helping to put the wait for hormones into perspective. And I mean to get writing again. The problem is a common one though - starting. Today was bad enough I nearly came home and started scoffing anti-Ds because I was sick of being on a low dose, but by the time I got home I was feeling better. I'm getting there. I'm getting better.



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September 2012